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Friday, August 20, 2004

The Brushback is Lame 

The whole retaliatory-pitch thing has always struck me as sort of stupid. I mean, the umpire knows you're going to do it, and he's likely to toss your pitcher when he does. And I've never been a big believer in the doctrine of 'proportional response' anyway.

If I were running a baseball team, here's something I'd seriously consider. You get some really big, fast dude who really knows how to fight. Like a failed linebacker or boxer or something. And you make him your "eradicator." He doesn't really play, but anytime the pitcher hits somebody, he instantly comes charging out of the dugout, and he just beats the living crap out of the pitcher before his teammates have a chance to stop him. Any time the pitcher comes a little too close with something, the eradicator is up on the steps screaming murderous expletives at him. I bet that'd get under your skin!

Then, if every team had an eradicator, those lame bench clearing brawls (which usually consist of a bunch of shirt-grabbing and falling over) could be replaced with a no-holds-barred freestyle fight between the eradicators! It could become a serious part of the game. You'd have to be pretty careful about when you used your eradicator, because he'd only be able to attack once a week at the most (they'd really rack up the suspensions).

This may be Ray Lewis's only chance to be a two sport superstar.

Comments:
Here's a question for you: If Lou was still the Mariners' manager, would anyone be trying to knock down Ichiro? Maybe, but at least Lou would have had a long conversation after the game with that eunuch Ryan Franklin for missing Andres Blanco.
 
So what you're proposing is basically baseball's answer to hockey's enforcer. A goon. Ray Lewis would be great, but imagine Javon Kearse, charging out of the dugout, pursuing Roger Clemmons with reckless abandon. Not only would this be increadibly funny, but we could see a legit 3 sport athlete, if he could make it on an NBA roster, the sonics seem to have a desire for worthless big men. (Please don't take this advice Sund).

The idea of Roger running away from someone who would legitimately put him into retirement just kind of makes me giddy. I love the idea, the only problem is you would need a constant stream of personel, because these players would be suspended repeatedly. It would be fun to see what celebrity players and washed up football stars and WWF wrestlers. Could you imagine former husky lineman and current Japanese wrestling fenom Bob Sapp, easily pushing 330 lbs in a position like this?
 
Does this mean Mike Tyson could earn a spot in Cooperstown as the greatest goon of all time?

REPORTER: Mike, after you bit Clemens' ear clean off, you said something to him as he writhed in agony. What did you tell Roger?

TYSON: I told him I want to eat his children.
 
What about Don Zimmer?
 
Zim is remorseful. He may hesitate at the moment of truth.
 
Thanks for the laugh!

Of course, if this takes off, the pitching team's eradicator should be able to head off your eradicator before he reaches the pitcher, and a melee ensues.

Ah, but to be the first team with an eradicator, the advantages would be there.
 
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