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Wednesday, January 14, 2004

If The Plots Of The Rocky Movies Shaped The Baseball Future 

Pete, you got it all right except the very end. Edgar won't be able to throw back to his li'l bastard, so he'll have to use a pitching machine with those dimpled balls instead. And he'll have to run some kind of power supply to the field.

Also, who gets to play Apollo Creed, and when can we expect him to die at the hands of the unstoppable Russian, who declares his lack of concern over Apollo's condition coldly, uttering "If he dies, he dies."

Predictions based on the "Rocky" series model:

"Rocky II": Rocky captures the heavyweight title for the first time, in a rematch with Apollo.

Baseball Future: The Cubs win the 2004 National League pennant (thus avenging their previous defeat).

"Rocky III": Clubber Lang defeats Rocky by a knockout, but in the rematch Lang falls to the more determined Rocky.

Baseball Future: The Red Sox sweep the Cubs in the 2004 World Series. In a 2005 Series rematch, the Red Sox are again dominant, but are out-gritted by the Cubs, who win in seven games.

"Rocky IV": Trained by the latest methods and the best equipment money can buy, the Soviet champion Ivan Drago is out of Rocky's league on paper. Rocky's determination defeats the juggernaut, however, winning the favor and respect of the Soviet people and displaying the fallibility of Communist Russia.

Baseball Future: Armed with all the high-priced talent money can buy, the Yankees look like a lock to run away with the 2006 World Series crown. The Cubs, however, come out on top in an epic 22-inning game seven, drawing a standing ovation from the imbecillic Yankee faithful gathered at Yankee Stadium.

"Rocky V" is omitted due to the excruciating headache induced by the mere thought of that terrible film.

Let it be said, the cards have spoken.

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