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Sunday, March 20, 2005

The Most Controversial Thing I've Ever Posted (with admittedly little competition), or Why Steroids Are Healthier Than Fast Food (an opinion piece) 

Brought to you by the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative

Congress, as I don't doubt you already are well aware, has recently subjected a handfull of current and former Major League sluggers (and Curt Schilling) to a pointless hearing about steroids in baseball, claiming that the actions of famous baseball players influence the youth of our nation greatly enough to warrant federal involvement. It is my opinion, and that of many other notables in both the print and online media, that the manner in which a privately held entity such as Major League Baseball monitors its employees for drug use is completely outside the jurisdiction of American government. Sadly, it is in line with the current American political trend that the government is misusing its legislative arm by dealing with issues of morality or personal freedom and responsibility instead of (pick one) reducing foreign oil dependence/finding and arresting terrorists/fixing medicare and social security/funding arts programs/pandering for campaign donations.

The irony is that what a ballplayer like Mark McGwire might have put into his body has a much less detrimental impact on our youth than a megalithic corporation's particularly beloved brainwashing instrument: Ronald McDonald.

Children all over America and around the world are enamored with Ronald McDonald and the heart-attack-in-a-sesame-seed-bun he hawks. Our kids are probably the fattest, laziest, and generally most unhealthy of any industrialized nation, and Ronald McDonald's irresistible influence (and those of Grimace, Hamburglar, the Fry Guys, Birdie, and Mayor McCheese) plays a key role.

Steroids don't provide any benefit unless the user lifts weights relentlessly. A youngster choosing to follow in someone like Jason Giambi's footsteps would at least get off the couch and exercise regularly.

Fast food causes obesity, not shriveled testicles. Remember that. And no one in their right mind would call fast food a performance-enhancing drug.

However, maybe McDonalds should be forced to get rid of their creepy clown mascot and all his friends. After all, RJ Reynolds had to get rid of Joe Camel...
Do they really shrivel? I thought they just got smaller. I mean, they're kinda wrinkly-looking to begin with.
I completely agree on pretty much all counts, Caldwell. The whole thing is a big, stupid waste of time. Steroids shouldn't be illegal, they should just be discouraged. Congress could definitely be using its time more wisely.
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